I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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