Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Pants are for mortals
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
