she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
