im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
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After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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