I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
