Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
