why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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