my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
