I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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