You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
