I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
