one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
