i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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