I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
