Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
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Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
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I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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