I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
