There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
