I am spending my child support on dildos
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
