I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
