dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
