had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
