Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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