I wish my penis had an off switch
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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