I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
People in love make me want to vomit
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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