you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
