Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
