My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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