Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
