I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
