His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
