Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
