i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
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When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
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Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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