OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
