what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
