I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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