Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Congratulations! We have a period
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