thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I could make wine with my vomit
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
