I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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