it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
