I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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