On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
she peed on how many people?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Randomize
