That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
