Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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