Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
