Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
