fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
