Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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