You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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