I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
