You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
