All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
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He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
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Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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