There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
