I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
