dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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