dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
