hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
