Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Randomize