Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
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Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
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At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
last night I used snow as a chaser
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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